Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Thanksgiving Recipe

Festive Appetizer


1 Memory- and anxiety-filled family home
1-4 High-strung parents
1 Over-achieving child with trophy spouse and bratty children
1 Sensitive and needy vegetarian child, doped on Xanax
1 Rebellious child with inappropriate guest
1 Freak child, strung out and/or carrying explosives
1 Beloved gay aunt/uncle/cousin, doped on Xanax
1-3 Doddering old people


Gently fold other ingredients into family home and let stand five hours until agitated. Sprinkle acrimony to taste.

Entree and Side Dishes


1 20-lb roasted turkey, half-burned and half-raw. Smell of burnt plastic will permeate kitchen around time parent discovers the liver and giblets package still inside the bird.
1 serving dish of soggy, strange-looking, smelly stuffing from inside the bird. (Salmonella alert!)
1 casserole of soggy green beans, viscous mushroom soup and burnt fried onion rings
1 casserole of sweet potatoes, thoroughly hidden under a 3" layer of burnt marshmallow.
1 basket of store-bough rolls (which vanish instantly)
1 platter of wiggly cranberry sauce, shaped like the can from whence it came
1 massive bowl of lumpy and cold mashed potatoes
1 bottle of Gew├╝rztraminer wine
1 bottle of Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc
1 bottle of Cinammon Schnapps or Apple Brandy


Have parent dramatically carve the turkey with an electronic knife. Pass other ingredients around table until each person has a blob of each item. Now pass the thin, tasteless turkey gravy around to envelope each blob in a grayish-brown blanket. Do not allow anyone to begin eating until prayers, thankfulness assertions, or other captive audience harangues are complete, ensuring food will be cold and gelatinous.

Where's the Beef?


1 Blowhard


Prepare for the eventuality of one of your guests blurting out something that will ignite a firestorm of controversy. Have at your disposal cutting remarks that are sure to shame the blowhard into silence. The more embarassing and personal your remarks, the better result. Have a portable phone in your hand to call the police when a fight breaks out.



2 pies, one pumpkin and one apple
2 gallons vanilla ice cream
4 tubs of Cool Whip


Set out ingredients and holler down the stairs to the TV room that dessert is ready. Take your glass of wine and a cigarette out on the porch and mutter to yourself.



Blogger marty said...

Sounds like something to look forward to?

7:59 AM  

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