Thanksgiving Recipe

Festive Appetizer

Ingredients:

1 Memory- and anxiety-filled family home
1-4 High-strung parents
1 Over-achieving child with trophy spouse and bratty children
1 Sensitive and needy vegetarian child, doped on Xanax
1 Rebellious child with inappropriate guest
1 Freak child, strung out and/or carrying explosives
1 Beloved gay aunt/uncle/cousin, doped on Xanax
1-3 Doddering old people

Directions:

Gently fold other ingredients into family home and let stand five hours until agitated. Sprinkle acrimony to taste.


Entree and Side Dishes

Ingredients:

1 20-lb roasted turkey, half-burned and half-raw. Smell of burnt plastic will permeate kitchen around time parent discovers the liver and giblets package still inside the bird.
1 serving dish of soggy, strange-looking, smelly stuffing from inside the bird. (Salmonella alert!)
1 casserole of soggy green beans, viscous mushroom soup and burnt fried onion rings
1 casserole of sweet potatoes, thoroughly hidden under a 3" layer of burnt marshmallow.
1 basket of store-bough rolls (which vanish instantly)
1 platter of wiggly cranberry sauce, shaped like the can from whence it came
1 massive bowl of lumpy and cold mashed potatoes
1 bottle of Gewürztraminer wine
1 bottle of Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc
1 bottle of Cinammon Schnapps or Apple Brandy

Directions:

Have parent dramatically carve the turkey with an electronic knife. Pass other ingredients around table until each person has a blob of each item. Now pass the thin, tasteless turkey gravy around to envelope each blob in a grayish-brown blanket. Do not allow anyone to begin eating until prayers, thankfulness assertions, or other captive audience harangues are complete, ensuring food will be cold and gelatinous.


Where's the Beef?

Ingredients:

1 Blowhard

Directions:

Prepare for the eventuality of one of your guests blurting out something that will ignite a firestorm of controversy. Have at your disposal cutting remarks that are sure to shame the blowhard into silence. The more embarassing and personal your remarks, the better result. Have a portable phone in your hand to call the police when a fight breaks out.


Dessert

Ingredients:

2 pies, one pumpkin and one apple
2 gallons vanilla ice cream
4 tubs of Cool Whip

Directions:

Set out ingredients and holler down the stairs to the TV room that dessert is ready. Take your glass of wine and a cigarette out on the porch and mutter to yourself.