Monday, January 23, 2006

Adrift No More

Assuming everyone feels the same way at some point in their life certainly helps with coping, doesn't it?

For four long years I've been adrift, barely surviving the hits that kept on coming. Not a droopy ghoul by nature, I became concerned that I really was doomed to walk the Earth alone, in the giant, deep footsteps of the mighty Hulk. Divorce, illness, crisis after crisis; Existential Depression was the only raft to cling to in a churning sea of trauma.

Therapists praised my ability to SURVIVE but all I could say was, what's the point? It's incredibly hard to believe this too shall pass, when this too is sucking the marrow out of your bones. Impossible to accept things can only get better when them things are making you feel like a rubber stress doll whose eyes pop out ever further with increased pressure from the squeezing hand.

And, yet, like Moses in the desert suddenly espying a shiny something off in the hazy distance, you reach a point where you believe in the promised land. Sure, it's a challenge to survive. What's infinitely harder is sloughing off that angst and fear and allowing faith (not the Jerry Falwell variety, more the falling backward and trusting someone to catch you variety)to swoop in and blow your hair straight back. That's really motherfucking hard to do when you're comfortable with the idea that nothing will ever go right for you on account of everything being against you.

Anyway, things sure are getting better for me. However unsettling success may be, I am pleased and profoundly grateful.

Tomorrow night is our Restaurant Week date. Wheeee!


Blogger Mel said...

my friend bought be "bob" (one of those rubber stress dolls you spoke of) for christmas to relieve my stress. he is almost dead due to so much squeezing. i totally understand what you are saying. sometimes life sucks your will to live!!

5:34 PM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Enjoy your success - you deserve it!

And I LOVE Restaurant Week!

7:04 AM  
Blogger ShadowCreator said...

When you get truly mired in existential depression and nihilism to the deepest depths, there is no escape. The abyss you stared into so deeply swallows you up. You explode with motivation to do something about it but use it up quickly and crash, especially if you have had past trauma like I did. When you crash, you die inside. Most of the way, anyway. Maybe you die in the physical world too. I personally failed. You become extremely numb and dissociated. Over the years, especially with the introduction of a more emotional relationship that you lacked in the past, the numb begins to unravel. The horrible gaping hole underneath starts to reveal itself and suck up whats left of your walking corpse. And thus begins to slow, agonizing march towards a restless state of semi-catatonia. It only intensifies as the days fly by and the trash piles up. Just like in T2 when the terminator was hit by that liquid nitrogen, and slowly kept going as his limbs were broken off and he slowed to a standstill. Except that this is an endless sea of it, with no source of light or warmth. The only question is, how much dignity do you have? When do you refuse to live as the walking dead? When do you pull your body and what little is left of your mind down with the rest of you that died so long ago?

12:46 PM  

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