Tuesday, August 01, 2006

An I Hate My Boobs Rant

Working for them, apparently

Don't get me wrong, I love Dolly Parton: She's iconic, she's talented and she reportedly is a wonderful person. Pamela Anderson has my respect for turning a gimmick into untold fame while retaining a sense of humor about it all. Both are beautiful and successful women, both have gigantic racks.

I do, too. I hate it so much, I had the suckers chopped off when I was 19 and a size 0 dancer (not the pole kind) sick of taping my breasts and concocting elaborate layered clothing ensembles in order to disguise my enormous jugs. A couple of kids later, the damn things grew back! I still dress in strategic layers and mostly black, my own amazing magic trick. See 36DDD disappear!

Thing is, boys and men have X-ray vision when it comes to gazongas. Most men have a primal response to the sight of huge funbags that is tough to explain and even tougher to endure. What Dolly and Pam and I can tell you about that is that, if we want to, we in the big-tittie club can sometimes take advantage of men when they are in a drooling, staring, blubbering state.

Unlike Dolly and Pam, perhaps, I am usually too busy being mad at the guy to try anything. Unlike Dolly and Pam, I de-emphasize my bazooms in clothing, posture, and every damn thing else, and anyone who makes a big deal about them is off my Break-the-Fast list. I hate my boobs! Did I mention I hate them?

Clothes do not fit. Bras are expensive. Chronic back pain is a way of life. Exercise is made difficult by bouncing boobies and them just being in the way. Women with large busts usually have excess fat in other places--unless the busts are of the silicone variety or the woman has liposuction, or works out ferociously. I could have a flatter stomach, but I'm otherwise in good shape; I'm petite and work out all the time. Which makes the rack all the more pronounced and prompts idiots to ask me if they are real.

Why someone would choose and pay for this misery is beyond my comprehension. I don't want attention from men based on my milk-makers! I don't want to be known for my bra size! I want to buy a shirt that fits, in the same size as my pants. I want to work out without staring into my cavernous cleavage when downward dogging! Waaaaaaaah!

I'm telling you, when I hit that Lotto jackpot, they're going chop-chop (again). Any flat-chested girls interested in inheriting all the aches, pains, and embarassment of epic jiggle are welcome to the proceeds.


Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

Do I even have to tell you that I understand? I feel your pain and have had the consultations to have mine chopped off. Can I just say that mine are bigger? Much bigger. It sucks. My back hurts right now trying to type. I feel your pain and totally understand.

What I hate the most, is when men talk to them like they're going to answer.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Tribble said...

No complaints here! :)

7:46 PM  
Blogger Bobulah said...

you know how i feel about your breasts...they're a blessing. mazel tits!

6:43 AM  
Blogger Absinthe said...

Ginormous ta-tas do, indeed, suck ass. I haven't worn a button-down shirt since middle school, and since I'm only 5'2", I think I look more like a cartoon than a real girl sometimes.
I feel your pain.
At least flat-chested girls get to wear cute, cheap bras. The only bras that effectively "hide my thunder" were designed by NASA and cost upwards of $50.
Not to mention the fact that I'm blonde... I have to work extra-hard to be taken seriously as a human being. I sometimes wear my glasses to meetings on purpose, and that helps.

8:36 AM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

Aiiiii, it amazes me that there are women out there who can wear a button-down shirt without getting that huge straining gap between the chest buttons! And they weigh me down so much in front that my posture is awful. However, hiked up inside an unpadded push-up bra, they can look quite spectacular.

Anyway, one of my sister's friends had her DD cups reduced in high school, and BOING!, they grew back almost instantly. Sadly, you can't always fight nature's intentions for a giant rack.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Sisters! It's wonderful to hear your solidarity shout-outs. Thanks a billion!

Absinthe and Slothie: NY & Company has button down shirts that DO NOT GAP and are quite flattering. Not to mention affordable. Maybe they should consider an ad campaign just for us?

12:02 PM  
Blogger Tribble said...

You think "ginormous ta-tas" are a pain, try walking around with manboobs!

Not that I have them.


1:11 PM  
Blogger Absinthe said...

Yeah, nothing's worse than man-boobs. At least ginormous ta-tas are attractive to a large percent of the population (you wouldn't believe the stares I get from girls sometimes). Even women don't like them.
Unless you were joking and do, in fact, have them. In that case, they're the wave of the future, and everyone's going to catch that train... :D

1:37 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Tribble, my superfly boyfriend, you do not have man boobs.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

2:37 PM  
Blogger glo said...

and here I thought I was the only one who didn't like being well endowed ... go 'figure'

3:54 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Don't you love it when some imbecile tells you your boobs are big?

No shit! I was wondering what happened to my chest and why I can't gaze at my navel if I wanted to! Thank GOD for you and your eagle-eye, dude!

Once when I was completely hungover and bartending on a Saturday morning, an older man came in and sat down at my bar. He looked up, expecting to see the regular Saturday bartender, and froze in bug-eyed wonderment. Then he said, "Damn, those things are HUGE!"

The one and only time I threw someone out of my bar before noon.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Tribble said...

glo said...
and here I thought I was the only one who didn't like being well endowed ... go 'figure'

Yeah, I don't like being well endowed either.


5:45 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Sshhh! Tribble, that's our little--ok, not so little--secret!

6:35 PM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

Look at all these comments!! Isn't it amazing on how we can all bond and come together over boobs?

4:51 AM  
Blogger Bobulah said...

hey, superfly...call me ;)

(just kidding, troub)

7:29 AM  
Blogger Star, The one and only said...

As I was mentioning in the car up to AC, Its not that were talking TOO you boobs, Its simply staring while talk to YOU.
I myself have never been a boob man. give me a nice rear and some legs to go with it anyday. But I guess it is the male persuasion to look. I dont know if it can be helped. Bob help me out. do you stare at boobs? or just my ass? LOL
hey trouble, can you believe its 1:45 in the morning and i have only gotten roughly 4 hours of sleep since getting back from the land of pawned gold? AHHHHHH im going to bed.

11:51 PM  
Blogger marty said...

Nothing I say would be appropriate. But then again, nothing I say ever is.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Bobulah said...

yes, i stare at breasts.

i think the phenomenon of abnormally large breasts, such as trouble's, is generally distracting, and seems to transcend sexuality. i'm not staring in a sexual way, i'm staring in the same way i would if they were on fire.

does that answer your question?

1:42 PM  
Blogger Star, The one and only said...

ok , fair enough bob. I ignoratnly assumed that just cause you were male there was a glimmer of straightness to your staring. (this is not as bitter or sarcastic as it sounds by the way) I have to admit that I didnt know troubles boobs were that big till she told us all. She did a great job at camoflauging them. On a totally different note. When the hell are we going to all sing karaoke together before I leave?

1:16 AM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Hey you two: take your flirting somewhere else and leave my jugs out of it! ;)

6:55 AM  
Blogger Kmoney said...

but, but.....

10:10 AM  
Blogger Star, The one and only said...

it's so much more fun this way though.

3:44 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home