Slugging it Out

We brought out our toughest, most dangerous weapon: the Exterminator. Risking my mortal health and the well-being of our cats, we allowed a man with a canister full of poison and a reckless disregard for the delicate nature of cashmere sweaters full access to our apartment. Again.

You see, the last time didn't take. The insecticide must have really hulked them out, because they bit us up with a vengeance and took no pains to hide their gross presence in the light of day. I count 36 bites. And because I am allergic to insect venom, they are big, splashy red welts. Because bedbugs offer pitiful amounts of venom, it's just enough to make me miserable, without warranting any Epi-Pen action or trips to the ER.

So he was back today. If our super-aggro efforts to rid ourselves of this pestilence fails we will have little choice but to move.

Please, New Yorkers, do NOT imagine yourself immune from this scourge. It has nothing to do with cleanliness or the right address. If they can't get to you to feed, they won't bother infesting your place.

Here's what you must do:

1. Buy a bed with a metal or plastic frame. They cannot fly or jump, and they can't crawl up slick materials. Also, they adore nesting in miniscule cracks and crannies in wooden beds.

2. Keep your bed well away from walls and other furniture, so that it is an island of cool, clean, bug-free goodness.

3. Don't allow your bed linens to drape all the way to the floor.

4. VACUUM

5. Caulk or tape up cracks in the moulding, floors, windows, and pipe fittings.

6. Rid your home of clutter, especially in closets. Invest in space bags. Dry cleaning bags are useless at keeping out bugs, especially carpet beetles, which find them delicious.

7. Don't necessarily kill spiders or centipedes: they eat the little nasties and leave you the hell alone.

That is all. Keep your fingers crossed that a second round of poison didn't render our bedbugs super bedbugs.