If You Ain't Bipolar, You Ain't Trying Hard Enough

Interweb scuttlebutt has diagnosed Britney Spears as being Bipolar. Clues cited include Ms. Spears shaving her head, waving her genitals at photographers, and generally losing her shit every chance she gets. Apparently, the poor kid isn't treated for this psychiatric disorder because she's busily working out another one: Bulimia.

Diagnosing Bipolar disorder is an inexact science, as any reputable psychiatrist will tell you. There is no blood test, no rash, no Xray image of throbbing craziness. Instead, doctors look at patterns of behavior in deciding if it's Bipolar, Depresssion, some combo thereof, or other mood or personality disorders.

Substance Abuse and acting like a batshit whorebag asshole are not precise symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. If that were true, a lot more than 2% of the population would be officially diagnosed.

It's entirely possible that Britney is Bipolar. It's equally possible that Lindsay Lohan is Bipolar. In fact, I would put my money on Lindz: she has the inappropriate sexuality thing happening, the substance abuse, the erratic behavior, the total lapses in judgement, and — tellingly, I say — the terrible rages. Where Britney is a sadsack, insecure cuckoobunny, Lindsay Lohan is a megalomanic, friend- and family-alienating nightmare.

Now throw Amy Winehouse into the mix. The Wino was officially diagnosed and — in all her clear-thinking sobriety — decided she didn't need medication and therapy.

I'm no spokesperson for Bipolar Disorder, or bipolar women, or celebrities, or anyone at all, I just don't want the world to associate the disorder with these skeevy trainwrecks. Amy Winehouse is not the fucking "face" of Bipolar Disorder, ok?

I have a diagnosis of severe Bipolar Disorder. I have suffered from the terrifying symptoms (which, for me, did not include waving my genitals or wrecking expensive cars in DUI stupidity)since I was a teenager. It's bad enough to encounter doctors who treat me like I have Down's Syndrome or Autism when I visit them for ordinary medical problems. Nurses often freak out when I tell them I take Lithium. Know what Lithium is? A common mineral, like table salt.

So, I'm not looking forward to the surely-upcoming news pieces about Bipolar, featuring Jimmy-Crack-Crackers Spears. Seriously, people, having Bipolar Disorder is sucky enough. Must we be lumped in with celebrity whoreflowers?

Last time I checked, acting like a thai hooker at dance clubs, drinking yourself half-to-death, and experimenting with drugs was a disorder called College. I guess every person in their early-to-mid '20s has bipolar, in addition to being worthless and stupid. How sad!