If You Ain't Bipolar, You Ain't Trying Hard Enough

Interweb scuttlebutt has diagnosed Britney Spears as being Bipolar. Clues cited include Ms. Spears shaving her head, waving her genitals at photographers, and generally losing her shit every chance she gets. Apparently, the poor kid isn't treated for this psychiatric disorder because she's busily working out another one: Bulimia.

Diagnosing Bipolar disorder is an inexact science, as any reputable psychiatrist will tell you. There is no blood test, no rash, no Xray image of throbbing craziness. Instead, doctors look at patterns of behavior in deciding if it's Bipolar, Depresssion, some combo thereof, or other mood or personality disorders.

Substance Abuse and acting like a batshit whorebag asshole are not precise symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. If that were true, a lot more than 2% of the population would be officially diagnosed.

It's entirely possible that Britney is Bipolar. It's equally possible that Lindsay Lohan is Bipolar. In fact, I would put my money on Lindz: she has the inappropriate sexuality thing happening, the substance abuse, the erratic behavior, the total lapses in judgement, and — tellingly, I say — the terrible rages. Where Britney is a sadsack, insecure cuckoobunny, Lindsay Lohan is a megalomanic, friend- and family-alienating nightmare.

Now throw Amy Winehouse into the mix. The Wino was officially diagnosed and — in all her clear-thinking sobriety — decided she didn't need medication and therapy.

I'm no spokesperson for Bipolar Disorder, or bipolar women, or celebrities, or anyone at all, I just don't want the world to associate the disorder with these skeevy trainwrecks. Amy Winehouse is not the fucking "face" of Bipolar Disorder, ok?

I have a diagnosis of severe Bipolar Disorder. I have suffered from the terrifying symptoms (which, for me, did not include waving my genitals or wrecking expensive cars in DUI stupidity)since I was a teenager. It's bad enough to encounter doctors who treat me like I have Down's Syndrome or Autism when I visit them for ordinary medical problems. Nurses often freak out when I tell them I take Lithium. Know what Lithium is? A common mineral, like table salt.

So, I'm not looking forward to the surely-upcoming news pieces about Bipolar, featuring Jimmy-Crack-Crackers Spears. Seriously, people, having Bipolar Disorder is sucky enough. Must we be lumped in with celebrity whoreflowers?

Last time I checked, acting like a thai hooker at dance clubs, drinking yourself half-to-death, and experimenting with drugs was a disorder called College. I guess every person in their early-to-mid '20s has bipolar, in addition to being worthless and stupid. How sad!

Disgust

This has been brewing for a long time, people. Now reaching intolerable levels of pervasiveness, the celebration of disgusting people must end. Now.

What does the promotion and celebrity of vile, indiscreet and flat-out stupid people tell the next generation about the value of self-respect and dignity? The strongest message going seems to be, "Get Rich and Famous However You Can, Kid!" or "If You're Whoring, You Bettah Be Gettin' Paid, Yo!"

Whole industries have suffered from the crass behavior of a few, yet there is no backlash, no shunning, just incessant and banal "news" of these people's every wet fart.

My daughters (mercifully) don't count Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, or Britney Spears among their heroes. One is really into history and the other is a purebred punk. He's still pretty young, but my son thinks Samurai Jack is someone he'd emulate before considering any guy in Hollywood or the music biz. For all this I am eternally grateful.

My hope is that they (and all of us, really) know that a majority of people who "make it" in this world are repellent, self-obsessed morons. By "making it" I of course mean magazine covers, TV entertainment show profiles, high-ranking search engine status, fan clubs, multi-millions (whether spent on high-end real estate or hoovered up nostrils), and paparazzi staking out your house, training long-range lenses on your baby's nursery.

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven consecutive times! He not only beat cancer, he raised more than $10 million through his Livestrong Foundation to help others. Do I care who he dates, or whether or not he's friends with stupid Matthew McConaughey? No, I do not. Yet that's the focus of attention on Lance Armstrong.

New York media is, naturally, the epicenter of this kind of pugnacity. If you want to be famous in NYC, kids, make the right friends. Specifically, make friends with gossip columnists. That will keep you from the glaring public judgment of the Post and the Daily News and the sarcastic high-school bitchery of gossip blogs. Otherwise you will be endlessly ridiculed, your every misstep blasted across the internet and onto Page Six.

As you can imagine, I despise most NYC celebrities. The socialites, the trust fund jerkoffs, the fashion hos, the i-bankers, the "artists", the "writers", and the people who mine their however-long of fame for being talentless and boring, but having been in the right place at the right time with the right people. The list of these people is endless and I'll be damned if I'll give them any more attention, but you can probably throw a dead cat from where you are and hit one of them.

Top 10 Most Disgusting Celebrities:

10. Donald Trump

As much as he thinks he's a scion of wealth and big business, he's still a slimy old slumlord who doesn't know he's a joke.

9. Any Reality TV "star"

Please accept that you are used to make others rich

8. Kate Moss/Pete Doherty (tie)

Heroin never was chic; nor are you

7. Rejected "American Idol" contestants

No means no! Get off Myspace and get some singing lessons.

6. Jessica Simpson/Vanessa Minillo (tie)

No-talent ass-clowns of the highest ZOOM! smile order

5. "the Girls Next Door"

That girls look up to these useless twats is massively depressing

4. Anyone featured on an MTV show

UGH! If you really were famous and talented, you wouldn't have been on MTV, stupid!

3. Britney Spears

It's because she's "country," she says, so perhaps an inner-city intervention is in order. I hope she pulls through, she actually is talented.

2. Lindsay Lohan

What a sad waste of pretty, young actress. Want to know where your hard-livin' and shitty attitude will get you, Linz? Allow me to introduce you to Janice Dickinson.

1. Paris Hilton

A more worthless human being I cannot imagine. Not just an ugly, stupid heiress with no concept of dignity, this tranny-looking girl is arrogantly, unapologetically, vile. She has no talent whatsoever, but she has money. Therefore she gets away with whatever idiotic notions nudge her three brain cells into action: sex tapes, STDs, and a how-to book on being a completely useless person are her legacy. Let's all join hands and pray she never procreates.


Did I miss anyone? Tell me who you think should be jettisoned from public consciousness?