Sunday, June 22, 2008

A Word or Two on Gas Prices

That a torch-wielding mob of angry Americans are not currently marching on the Bush and Cheney families and their ilk leaves me confused.

Surely everyone knows by now that gas prices in America are inflated at the will of the oil brokers? That those same oil prices are artificially inflated right now, when our economy is already shattered, in order to secure the maximum amount of profits to those oil brokers before a probably-unfriendly administration takes office and the gig is up.

Who do you suppose benefits most from offshore drilling?

If you want to understand something, look to the people profiting by it.

The Bush family will hide in plain sight and deny. Cheney's reign of terror is soon over and he can safely retire to Dubai in wealth. The hundreds of other oil brokers, profiteers and pirates are redoubling their efforts to continue bilking you.

Efforts by some to promote offshore, Alaskan and natural parkland drilling have nothing to do with reducing our dependence on foreign oil. Our homeland sheiks just want their piece of the pie. You can bet your ass they won't be selling it back to us any cheaper than OPEC.

Do I have any suggestions for improving the situation? Sure, I do. Don't buy a new car, ever. Buy a used car with awesome gas mileage, find a local whiz-bang mechanic who can put in an electric or fuel-cell engine kit (not as hard to find as people would have you think) and modify your car however you want to suit your driving needs. They have a spray for "new car smell", you know.

Fuck the Toyota Prius — it is a piece of crap. Maybe Prius 2020, but this generation is really a huge waste of money. Flex-fuel is a step in the right direction but still massively oil-dependent. Electric technology is fantastic, but buying an actual electric car is damn political. Fuel-cell is the future here now — if you like in Brasil or Japan. Actually, fuel-cell buses and commercial vehicles are already puttering around certain parts of America, you just don't hear about that in-between luxury car ads and Toby Keith's "Anything But Pick-Up Trucks is Un-American" commercials.

Meanwhile, here you are: suffering. Filling up the tank often means taking money from somewhere else. But, hey, whiny baby, those vacation homes in Dubai don't come for free. Tell you what: from now on, research the background of your elected officials: if it stinks of oil, run them out of town on a rail.

The Bush Administration, Part Deux, will go down in history as one of the most criminal. Calls for impeachment came about 7 years too late. Whomever is elected in November has an unspeakable mess to clean.

Your To-Do List:

Consider selling your current gas-guzzler, or putting it in storage as a collector car. If you absolutely need a car, buy something with high gas mileage that is Used.
Carpool. For reals this time. Don't believe car commercials.

Use alternative transportation if you can. Bikes, mopeds, public transportation and feets will get you around, get you in shape and save you BIG money. Plus, let's face it, taking the bus will give you something to talk about at Happy Hour. You meet interesting people in the world, once you stop driving your car 1/2 mile to the grocery store.

Consider making your world smaller, i.e. moving closer to work, schools, shopping, etc.

Beware of oil people, they are deeply evil pickpockets. Don't elect oil people to public office if you value your money and natural parks.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Yo Mama So Fat.. (from

* she fell in love — and broke it
* she has to put on her belt with a boomerang
* I have to take a train, a plane, and 2 buses to get on her good side
* a picture of her fell off the wall
* her tailor takes her measurements in light years
* her picture takes two frames
* her favorite blouse is a tent
* her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
* when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
* even her shadow has stretch marks
* when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
* her blood type is rocky-road
* her blood type is Ragu
* one day when she got in a fight and the person fighting her got lost in her
* she could sell shade
* she DJs for the ice cream truck
* she eats cereal out of a satellite dish
* she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other
* she has to iron her pants on the driveway
* after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week
* when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton
* when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them
* when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted she said,"The one on the roof"
* she sweats Crisco
* she uses bacon for Band-aids
* when she goes to the dry cleaners and hands in her underwear they say "sorry no parachutes accepted"
* that if she weighed 5 more pounds she could get group insurance
* when she went to the Rose Parade everyone thought she was a float
* when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon
* when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across the great lakes
* when she wears a yellow raincoat, people run after her and call "Taxi!"
* when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids line up behind her thinking she's the school bus
* when she wears a red dress kids yell "Hey Kool-Aid Man."
* when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 7 years to live
* when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks
* she cut her leg and gravy dripped out
* she can lay down or stand up and her height doesn't change
* one day she was cleaning out her rolls and a car fell out
* NASA orbits satellites around her
* on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747
* I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass
* I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he said he'd seen her too
* I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
* I ran around her twice and got lost
* she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
* she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay."
* she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck
* she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
* I gotta take 3 steps back just to see all of her
* her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters
* her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine
* her belt size is equator
* even God couldn't raise her spirits
* even Richard Simmons laughs at her
* every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil
* her car is made of spandex
* her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
* her college graduation picture was an aerial
* all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor
* her skates went flat
* she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks
* she jumped for joy and got stuck
* she jumped up in the air and got stuck
* she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen
* she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids
* she made weight watchers go blind
* she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic
* she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet
* she puts mayonnaise on aspirin
* she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller
* she don't know whether she's walking or rolling
* at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts
* when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party
* when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks
* when she walks across the living room, the radio skips
* when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the ocean
* you can pinch an inch on her forehead
* when she travels, she's gotta make two trips
* when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet
* when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show
* when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show
* you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she's gliding across the floor
* when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time, please."
* when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled "Hey! Stop that Twinkie!"
* when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower
* when she runs she makes the CD player skip — at the radio station
* when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her the key to the store
* when she hauls ass, she has friends come help
* when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips
* when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur
* when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks "Where can I try that on?"
* when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy!"
* when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate
* when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down


Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Did you know that the wedding industry is one ginorvast scam? Yes, children: anyone who puts "bridal" or "wedding" in their business name or tag line is ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to separate you from your shekels.

A few facts:

There are somewhere around 2.5 million weddings every year in the United States.

The average budget for a wedding is estimated to be $20,000.

$40 - 70 billion is spent on weddings every year in the U.S.

On average, couples spend $3,800 for their honeymoon.

The average household income of a newly married couple is $55,000/annually.

You may or may not know Superfly and I are getting married this summer. We won't be spending $20,000. I am only a Bridezilla when some wedding-related business owner tries to rip me off. And they all do, all the time.

We've been very lucky to find vendors we adore, who are honest and talented at what they do. Except when it came to alterations on my dress.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a traditional bridal salon any more than I would buy a car from a pawn shop. My gown is Vera Wang, bitches. You see, there's a whole side industry of married ladies who did buy their gown at Kleinfelds, selling those couture gowns online. Certainly she didn't recoup much of her expense, but she got it out of her house and I get a gorgeous designer dress for peanuts.

Problem: alterations. Most idiot salons will not alter gowns not purchased at their store and many tailor/seamstress shops are hesitant to take on wedding gowns (and, presumably, the robo-bitches holding them).

Anyway, the gown + cleaning + alterations + accessories = $1,000

Retail price for the gown alone? $5,200

And that, dear readers, is how you STICK IT to an industry that shamelessly, gleefully robs us, our friends and relatives, and everyone else, of every ill-gotten dime.

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