Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Not For the Squeamish

Much ado around Gawker these days about, well, back-door action. People stridently pro and con and a whole lot of bullshit being presented as fact.

I am personally in the con camp. My actual experience with the practice is limited to the few boyfriends I've had who timidly inquired if I maybe wanted to try, blah blah, and were immediately sent packing. Er, I mean I dumped them. Um, we broke up. Heh. I have friends and know other women who swear that it's the best thing ever. Of course, those people are either sex workers or garden-variety sluts. Shocking!

My theory (I'm full of them! For any occasion!) is that when girls and women started emulating strippers, porn stars and prostitutes in clothing, waxing, tanning, pole dancing and sex tapes, the natural step was to one-up the porn actresses in the bedroom.

Sure, anal sex has been around since people have been around. And believe me, I've heard every lame excuse and rationality for why guys want it and girls will do it.

Why are some people just crazy for anal sex?

Is it because the guy is in denial about being gay? Maybe.
Is it because the girl has "let herself go" down there? If so, get a new lover who isn't a shallow, misogynistic bastard who is in denial about being gay.
Is it because it's natural? Wrong! That is an exit, people.
Is it because it's safe and painless if "done right"? You Wish!
Is it because the guy/girl is constantly looking for new and interesting ways to get off? Probably. Maybe they should pursue a different hobby.

Ok, so this theory holds that guys who are into anal sex are shallow, capricious and probably gay. And on the girls who claim they can't get no satisfaction any other way, I call total, utter bullshit.

Some girls want to be the girl all the guys want. You know her: she's sexy and flirty and every woman's frenemy. She thinks that if she figures out what guys like and becomes that thing, she wins. If none of the other women will demean themselves, risk their body's good health and proper functioning, and fulfill their jerkoff boyfriend's vile fantasy, she will! She wins! Yay, Slut!

When I had sex talks with my smart, beautiful daughter, I always stressed this: "Any man who asks you to have anal sex with him has absolutely no regard for your safety or happiness. He doesn't love you."

Why? Because it's true. Because she grew up in a world where people are celebrated for their disgusting behavior and where women allow themselves to believe that looking like a low-rent stripper is the height of fashion. And a world wherein a dangerous perversion like anal sex is promoted as a normal, fun sex practice. What's next, donkeys?

Come on, people. Leave the nasty stuff for the prostitutes and porn stars. That's what they're for! If your partner is bugging you to do it, find a new partner. It's high time someone said enough. Bring back shunning! Bring back shame!

With apologies to anyone horrified by this post. You're right to be horrified, so am I. I just had to get this off my chest. If I posted it as a Gawker comment I would surely be flamed by buggers, and really, who needs it?

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Blogger threetoedsloth said...

At the risk of being a person who offers way too much information about herself, I hereby announce that I have sampled this practice with three different guys. And here are the results:

1. The first was my ex, who I dated all through college. We talked about it for awhile first and were both curious to see what it felt like. So one day we got out the lube and gave it a shot. It was actually not half bad. As long as there's TONS of lube and he goes very slowly, it actually feels sort of nice, though not like something I'd want to do more than maybe once a year.
2. The second was just some dude I dated for a little while. He had a reputation for being a bigtime ladies' man, and yet was the worst I ever had by far. He had a habit of just poppin' it in the wrong hole without warning me first, and without lube. The verdict? YEEEEOOOOOWWCH! Awful.
3. My current boyfriend. He had never done this before (and seemed kinda startled that I had). But I had my period one day and was out of commission. But we wanted to do SOMETHING. He seemed nervous and embarrassed about the idea though he was the one to suggest it, but I was pretty laid-back about it since I'd done it before, and finally he said "Okay, get the lube." And it was okaaaaay, but something didn't feel quite right and I felt like I might have an "accident" if he didn't finish quick. Afterwards, his reaction was along the lines of, "That was...interesting...but let's never ever do that again."

The End

3:18 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Fear not, fair sloth: the handful of people who occasionally view this blog are not the silent judging type.

Oversharing is overcaring!

You know, after reading my original post I feel it necessary to point out that I do not condemn people who are into prison sex, I just can't tolerate the bullshit about it being normal and safe. It's neither of those things.

Own your fetishes and perversions, people. Just don't try to sell it to me as something it's not.

12:32 PM  
Blogger marty said...

I think your post should have been called "Up Yours" or maybe "Not Up Yours."

Can you change it when you have a chance?

I hate it when people post and tell me what to do.

9:33 PM  

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