Soul-killing Unfunny Comedians

(this is by no means an exhaustive list)

Sarah Silverman (and her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel): They are what I like to call "Disgruntled Bullies". You know, the kid who humiliated other kids in a wrong-headed effort to assuage their own self-loathing. It wasn't funny in 5th grade, either.

Dane Cook, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, etc., otherwise known as the "How Gross Can I Get and Still Keep 'Em Laughing" kids. Again, barely funny in grade school. I knew a guy who could be Dane Cook's brother in high school. Spooky-same-person, you know what I mean? Anyway, this guy destroyed every last one of his brain cells other than those required for blinking, farting, cracking stupid jokes and hitting on girls out of his league, by constantly smoking pot. I bet if that Dude cut back on the weed and worked on his jokes he could be Dane Cook.

Bill Maher. Seriously, how did this person &mdash utterly devoid of talent or charm &mdash become so successful as a comedian? He's like Ann Coulter with a smaller dick. There are so many of these worthless comedians out there, who tell jokes like they haven't been laid in years and are suffering the worse case of constipation with hemorrhoids you can imagine. Bloated, cranky, depressed insomniacs with a shed full of axes to grind are not funny people.

Mr. Maher was behind me in line at one of those "bottle service" clubs I heart so much (ri-i-i-i-ight), back in the early '90s. He is my height, possibly shorter. I am but a wee girl. He had on makeup, my friends, which did nothing to improve his acne-scarred and hopelessly fugly face. He whined to his friend to go tell the bouncer who he was, so he could get out of the "loser line" at this "moronic club". I gave my hair a saucy flip and smiled at him. He formulated some semblance of a smile on his face right back at me. I yelled to the bouncer, "Hey, Kevin, Cap'n Douchebag over here says he doesn't belong in this loser line at this moron's club. Can you help him out?"

It turned out that Kevin the Bouncer had never heard of Bill Maher. Maher's gruesome threesome left in a huff.

Comedy is a tough business. It's hard to believe these people made the cut at their first open stage. I mean, Carrot top?