Britney at the VMAs

I actually had better things to do (read: watch football,drink beer and play NTN trivia)than watch some stupid MTV awards show. All over the interwebs this morning is vicious criticism of Britney Spears — one even has her on "suicide watch".

Watch the video on youtube or practically any website in existence and you'll see a bedraggled and plumper (though by no means as fat as she's being called by so many other pots and kettles) Britney, looking absolutely terrified and messing up her dancing and singing so badly it hurts to watch.

Poor kid, her life is spinning out of control and there doesn't appear to be anyone around her with a steadying influence. If Madonna could spare some time from adopting African orphans and doing whatever it is she does to make her arms look so spooky, she would be an excellent mentor for the poor Miss Spears. Exactly what the stale pop tart needs.

I can see it now: Madonna, taking Britney under her taut wing, putting the Cheetoh-lover on a macrobiotic diet and whipping her into shape in dance class and recording studio. Move Britney and her babies to London to give the girl a break from the paparazzi and Perez Hilton. Let her hair grow out — ditch the weaves. Take a cue from Rihanna and class up the outfits a little. If Kabbalah helps, fine, but get your head right, girl.

After a proper detox and style makeover, Britney ought to spend some time with the gays. STAY AWAY FROM THE CHAVS!

And then and only then can Britney stage a comeback.