Valentine's Day

Here's me thinking this isn't something that portly old Catholic had in mind for his legacy: Fluffy little stuffed lions that purr and roar when you squeeze their paws, holding a bright red stuffed heart, adorned with a lace outline and proclaiming, "Be Mine, Valentine".

I have a longstanding feud with this Fake Holiday. All Fake Holidays, but this one especially. Maybe it was designed to break up the monotony of winter or was a genius greeting card promotion. However it started, it's become a day of torture for nearly all Americans. The pressure! In a relationship? You have expectations, pal. Not in a relationship? Could you be a bigger loser?

Way back when, I threw an Annual Anti-VD Party: A get-together for all those who, like me, were opposed to Valentine's Day. Singles and couples gathered for swanky cocktails, comfort food, and Love Gone Wrong songs. Naturally, after a few of those sidecars and martinis, the party degenerated into people sitting on the floor and decrying their lack of love, sniffling and stirring the ice in their glass. Just pathetic.

Not me, brother! I've always believed that L-O-V-E would find me when it was good and ready to do so. Sadly, I remained in several relationships that clearly weren't the real deal, out of fear I might be wrong about that LOVE thing. But when it's the real thing, you know it, and when it isn't, you know that, too. Even if you aren't prepared to admit it. Perhaps you have lessons to learn from Mr./Ms. Wrong, but I say: time's a-wasting. Get your lessons-learned badges and get out!

Well, Love found me on February 19, 2005. Love is still here, reading the paper over in the corner chair. Love is very low-maintenance; I mean, what else can be recharged just by eyeballing the Object of your Love across the room, doing a Superbowl Shuffle? Love, thusly regenerated, just smiles benevolently over the Arts & Leisure section and goes about its business.

Our "anniversary" is a full five days past VD, when the conversation hearts are piled up with Valentine bears and lions in a cart by the store's front door. We couldn't be more pleased with the timing. For this momentous and happy occasion, we will go to a JDate party, just like we did last year at this time, and where and how we met. The actual location of our first meeting is scheduled for demolition soon. So we'll go over there after the party, with our Listerine Breath Strips, and salute LOVE.

Fat Saints, ugly flower arrangements, and chalky chocolate hearts be damned!

Here's to LOVE finding all you suffering without, and soon.