*Warning!* Political Rant Ahoy!

Tuesday night, my sweet-cheeked friend Bobulah and I went to the local gay bar Tallyho ("The Ho" to us in the know) for a night of karaoke. I whined and sighed exaggeratedly, knowing it to be a smoky deathtrap and I allergic to cigarette smoke in such oppressive quantities. In any case, the object of Bobulah's desire eventually turned up, as expected. They are teeth-shatteringly adorable together.

Somehow, the subject of religion comes up in our conversation. Bobulah said something to the object of his affection about me being Jewish. "Really?" He said, and turned his whole body on his barstool to face me. "Can you tell me about this Palestine thing? Why won't Israel give up some land for them?"

If he's reading this, Superfly just said, "Oh shit." He knows that tempting Trouble into political debate is always a bad idea for everyone involved, especially Superfly, who never is involved but always suffers the fallout.

Let's review:

First, there is no such thing as "Palestine" or "Palestinians". When the Jewish state was re-established in the Middle East after several centuries of diaspora, the people living there were Jews and various tribes from various neighboring countries. None of them were "Palestinians".

Once Israel kicked the crap out of Egypt it became an enemy of Islam. Since then, Islamic nations have called for the destruction of Israel. Instead of absorbing the Arab and Persian people living in Israel (who didn't wish to live in a Jewish state) into their vast Arab and Persian countries and cultures, the leaders of the Arab and Persian countries rejected them, telling the homeless refugees that the land of Israel was actually their ancestral home, and that they ought to destroy Israel and take "their" land back. This meshugas started over fifty years ago.

Nowadays, you have Islamic Militants training and brainwashing generations of Israeli Arabs into believing this lie of "Palestine" and Israel's "occupation" thereof. I'll tell you what: Israel will stop blowing up "Palestinians" when "Palestinians" stop suicide bombing and plotting to destroy Israel. I feel bad for the Israeli Arabs too: foreign militants are using them as decoys and human shields and lying through their turbans about their rights and roles.

If these Arabs need a homeland, there are gigantic neighboring countries rich with oil that can reasonably assimilate them, if it didn't serve their political purposes to refuse them. They are pawns of Militant Islam, not victims of Israel. Israel has every right to defend and protect her citizens from terrorism.

Looking at a map of the Middle East, you have to be surprised at the tiny piece of real estate responsible for so much war. And for what? Israel maintains its right to exist; the rest of the Middle East badly wants to wipe it from the map. Put in such simple terms, it all seems ridiculous. Yet more people die on both sides everyday towards one side's agenda or the other.

My solution? Offer the "Palestinians" a deal: become Israeli citizens or find asylum in another country. Reaffirm Israel's borders and offer to bomb Iran, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, and Saudia Arabia back to the stone age if they even look crossways at Israel. Allow Israeli Arabs every opportunity to practice their religion and culture within the fabric of Israeli society--up to the point they run around with M-16s and blow themselves up in nightclubs.

Do I hate Arabs? No. I have only one Muslim friend, and he's a pretty low-key guy. I'm friendly to the many Arabs in my neighborhood. I don't actively hate a whole populace. That takes more commitment and lots more lunacy than I'm willing to put forth.

I do specifically hate Ann Coulter and Paris Hilton, though. Oh, yes.

Lesson learned: Don't ask me about politics unless you really want to know what I think.