Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Plus ca change

The Scene: A Country Club in New Jersey. The outdoor patio overlooking the greens.

The Players: A group of blue-collar, 30-50 year old Italian-American men on one side and your humble (though fetchingly dressed in full Preppie Handbook regalia) narrator, quietly sipping her coffee, on the other.

The Show: The tough-looking men assemble, greeting each other with "Howyadoin?" and "What's up, jerkoff?" and doing that strange and awkward man-hug hetero-men apply to their closest friends. Cigars are passed out among them and a server ordered to bring more wine and whiskey. They talk about business. You know, wiseguy business.

A raffle is announced over the P.A., prompting everyone but the table full of "the Sopranos" extras and myself to run inside. The night is gorgeous: cool, clear, and (except for a scary overhead conversation) quiet. I eat my cannoli, sip coffee, and stare out at the incredible houses ringing the golf course.

Suddenly, the men go silent. Although my back is to them, I get an oogy feeling someone is staring at me. I wonder what they are thinking. I think about getting up, moving to another room, but I've been put in charge of watching the expensive (and heavy) equipment. So, I work on my invisibility superpower.

"You ever been with two women?" asks one of the guys.

"(Italian expletive) What are you talking about now?" says another.

Clearing of throats, mumbling, some laughing

The first one rephrases his admission: "That's my greatest fantasy, to see my wife and another woman getting it on." He's told that he's crazy and that he's a pervert.

Everyone in the group sits down now, and leans in.

"Man, I would love to have J--- and A---- at the same time, but not them together--that's gross," announces the loudest guy in the bunch. He's answered with hooting, cackling, and mocking.

They quietly contemplate the possibilities for a moment, then crack up, poke and shove each other, and otherwise tease each other like 13-year old boys.

Me overhearing men talking about threesomes is a weird and rather unwelcome trend. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being punk'd. Or, perhaps, all hetero male conversations eventually run to this topic. Any representative of hetero males care to weigh in?

For the record, my answer is and always will be "No".


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