Boobs

Fun bag!

I don't know what you did today, but I got a needle shoved through my nipple and radioactive dye shot through my right breast.

Yes, it was painful — thanks for asking! As long as they eventually decide that I do not actually have breast cancer, they can feel free to poke, jab and smoosh my jugs all they want. Twelve x-rays and two ultrasounds later, they still ain't sure. Oy gevalt. I was told I was an exemplary patient, even though I caused the nurse who was standing around, holding up my breast while it underwent ultrasound scanning, to laugh and "drop" my boob when I thanked her for her support.

Now, my boob never did anything to deserve any of this abuse. Miss Right and her brother, Lefty, just hang around trying to be as perky as double-Ds can be, most of the time. They've been extremely successful at the duties assigned to them by Nature (a. attracting men and b. feeding babies); what reward do they enjoy for their many years of fine service? It's appalling, really.

Which reminds me ... of another kind of boob: This one you'll find in any workplace, anywhere in the world. This boob is entitled. Not because they are brilliant, kind, giving, helpful, innovative, or merely useful; this boob is entitled just because. Usually they've been on the job quite a long time and are as entrenched as the funny smell in the stairwell. They tend to be complainers and often gossipers as well.

They are unparalleled morale destroyers, taking advantage of the company in every imaginable way and flaunting it in front of those who could never get away with the same things. No one in middle or upper management wants to be "the bad guy" that fired the employee who's been there a decade longer than them, especially if the boob in question is any kind of potential discrimination case. Behind their back, every person in the company despises them. Think they care? They do not. They take twice their allotment of personal, vacation, and sick days and get paid for it anyway. They spend all day, every day, on the phone with their friends or family members, complaining about work. They ignore their co-workers until it's time for their birthday or the holiday party, when they pull out the tiny bag of charm they've hidden up their ass all year long. Basically, this is a boob that fully deserves being poked, jabbed and smooshed (and then some).

My Superfly boyfriend works with a boob like this. Because of her antics and the devastating effect she's had on morale at his office, he was not permitted to be with me today (despite his overabundance of vacation, personal, and sick time) for my scary medical procedure. Instead, he got to sit in his office and listen to some fucking old twat complain on the phone all day about unfair it was, her having to be at work when her boiler is giving her problems/her corns hurt/she has bad gas.

I'm fine. Even if I do have breast cancer, it is so small and will be detected so early that zapping it will be a cinch. I'm handling it, and I'm glad to have Superfly in my life. He takes good care of me and my boobs.

Anyone have suggestions on getting rid of the boob at Superfly's work?