The 10 Things thing

10. I cannot sew. Many have tried to teach me. As a result, I flunked Home Ec and throw stuff out that needs new buttons or hems.

9. I am afraid of clowns, bridges, and dolls/stuffed animals. I recently had to flee a child's birthday party that was held in a puppet theatre. All those creepy puppets and their shiny eyes! [shudder]

8. I was in the Gifted/Talented program up until high school. We were separated from our stupider classmates all day. Can you say, "Beat Up Every Day on the Way Home from School?"

7. I can play the flute, the piccolo, and the air guitar and air drums. I still play the last two. I went to band camp.

6. I learned gourmet cooking in junior high, for my mom's dinner parties. Still a pretty good cook, somewhat limited to certain people's vegetarianism. I do make a banging vegetarian matzoh ball soup, though, so there.

5. I owned and operated a successful wedding planning company in Denver. Feel free to ask me anything about weddings, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing bridal maven. Seriously.

4. The name of my dear departed 'zine was Hootchie Mama Magazine. It got so popular, stupid-ass trophy wives started calling themselves "Hootchie Mamas" as they drank their apple martinis and cackled. That part sucked.

3. Speaking of martinis, I'm a total snob about them. Chilled glass, good booze, a whiff of Vermouth, that's it. Cosmopolitans, anything fruity or chocolate, those aren't martinis. They're cocktails. I am similarly obnoxious about beer, wine, and other classic cocktails. Six years of bartending; in sportsbars, martini bars, and old-skool dives, made me so.

2. I have an unhealthy love for butter, and everything else that will surely kill me.

1. Drumroll, please! Number one thing you probably don't know about your friend Trouble is this: If I told you my IQ, you'd not only be impressed, you might try to sell me to the circus as a sideshow freak. Only, don't make me be near clowns, ok?