Monday, June 12, 2006

Cuckoo Coulternut

Skeletor’s appearance on the Today show, facing off against mega-smirky Matt Lauer, was awesomely bad to behold. Stringy, over-processed, whore-blonde hair hanging from her gaunt skull, Ann Coulter grimaced her way through a ridiculous defense for her outrageous remarks about 9/11 widows being “publicity whores”. She looked like some third-rate stripper’s crazy aunt and sounded like an escaped mental patient.

She tried “no-no-no-ing” whenever Matt tried to make a point, and, in a desperate (not to mention failed) gamble, blamed liberals for her vocal diarrhea. Because it’s the widows own fault for trying to profit from their terrible losses. It’s also thanks to something called “liberal infallibility”, a Coulterism if ever there was one. Nothing, I’m sure, to do with shilling for her new book—a thin volume of blustery bullshit positing the idea that anyone (especially libbrals) who isn’t a loudmouth conservative Republican is a godless heathen.

Dainty cross around her taut adam’s apple or no, Coulternut is pretty far from an ideal Christian. I say she isn’t an ideal anything, but she has managed to publish several Buffounery for Dummies books and got herself a fancy law degree. That has to count for something, to someone. I especially love it when she calls another woman “harridan”. Hello, kettle? You’re black. In fact, no woman alive or dead better personifies the term than Ms. Ann Coulter.

It is with tremendous glee that I report reading in newspapers and magazines, and hearing on political shows of all sort on TV and radio, that Conservative Republicans and NeoCons are divesting themselves of Skeletor as fast as they can, like rats from a sinking battleaxe, in the wake of her attack on 9/11 widows. She is an untouchable for all intents and purposes. Going on wholesome daytime talk shows with her diatribe just served to make Tom Cruise look a little saner.

Whatever her point —and I’m sure it was a stupid one—it was lost in the shock, fury, and disgust all Americans felt at witnessing her reprehensible attempt to use 9/11 widows grief and their quest for justice in a stunt to move her piece of shit book and get her more face time on TV.

Believe it or not, there are very good Conservative writers/pundits out there--some of them are even women. The devil only knows how Skeletor rose to her formerly lofty position, seeing she’s a terrible writer and a worse public speaker, but her days are obviously numbered. Let a learned and socially acceptable Conservative woman take her place, please.

Poor Coulternut. Let’s think of alternative careers for her, shall we?

How about:

1. Decrepit model on The Price is Right
2. Rush Limbaugh’s nurse
3. Star of Transamerica II

Contest: Think of more post-punditry career ideas for Ann Coulter. Winning idea will garner you an awesomely bad liquor promo item!

UPDATE: A casual internet snoop on our friend Ann Coulter turns up some interesting tidbits!

1. She's a plagiarist

2. Palm Beach Florida charged her with voter fraud. Her Cuckooness told a guest at her speaking engagement he should stop reading "retarded news" when he asked her about it. The voter fraud charge involves further accusations of tax evasions, since She lives in New York but claims residency in income tax-free Florida.

3. More problems in Connecticut, with two different birth certificates and age disparity on several drivers license applications. Is she trying to cover her advancing age or her sex-change?

4. In an interview, Ann stated it was ok if she slept around with men because she's single. Forgetting the gag factor of this quote, how Christian is this?

5. Conservative magazine National Review canned her as a writer because she sucks at it. I mean, she sucks farts out of dead cats, she's that bad.


Blogger Bobulah said...

more jobs for ann...

4) an ice pick.
5) a coat tree.
6) laura dern.
7) a pair of leather chaps.

if there ever is a sexy hetero man i've just gawt to have, i simply give him the choice between me and her, thus giving her the occupation of....

8) a gaymaker.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

Bobulah, you are a genius. Gaymaker is hard to top (er...ahem) so if The Three-Toed Sloth doesn't come up with a better one, you are cordially invited over to choose your prize from the startling array of liquor promo items I've acquired over the years.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Sank said...

Trouble- one of the few "good" hits I ever had off the Next Blog button. Awesome writing. I've always thought of her as Paris Hiltons older sister, only Paris got the brains.

This is a great blog. Well done.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Kmoney said...

I will borrow some Lewis Black material thereby excusing myself from prize consideration. But here is my ultra-juvenile answer anyway....
Ann Coulter can only be my personal ball washer....scrub scrub rinse rinse, rinsing and scrubing, always rinsing and scrubbing.

BTW Kmoney finally has a blog. Now I just have to write something semi-funny or quasi-provacative

8:56 PM  

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