Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Hello there!

Don't mind me, I'm just doing a gimp-by post. Recovering from liposuction is an incredibly glamorous way to pass your free time and I recommend it to you without reservation.

Just think: sleeping flat on your back all night, every night, not sitting down without a minimum three pillows behind your back to achieve the only tolerable seating position, that is, leaning back as far as you can from standing. Forget stairs, forget riding in cars, forget picking up things off the floor.

For three weeks post-op I am a crippled, bad-tempered toddler.

Dr. Porsche just laughs, says I'll be thrilled with the result...eventually.

When I think of people who have liposuction I think of actresses, porn stars and trophy wives. Perhaps also people who are lazy and hate to work out. Never in a million years would I imagine myself in this situation. After all, there are so many things I could do with that money!

The thing is, I work out like a fiend — I always have. After each baby I dropped the excess weight like my ass was on fire. But Lithium, bless its little mineral heart, gave me weight that wouldn't budge, no matter what I did. And the surgery was practically free, and done by the best lipo doc in Colorado. He was even on the Today show!

Anyway, need + opportunity = me waddling around in a house dress popping pain pills.

One amusing anecdote before I get back to leaning: My 9-year old girl says to me, "Mom, you should go on that 'Bulging Brides' show." Now who might have that sweet little girl overheard saying something so nasty about her mother?

Oh, and let's all give a warm welcome to my ex-husband and his new wife, who are apparently regular readers of this blog. Welcome!



Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Note to self: Do not get on Miss Trubs bad side ;-)

Hope you and your gorgeous self are feeling much better soon!!!

4:44 PM  
Blogger marty said...

After they liposuct, what do they do with what they liposucted? Is it recycled?

7:40 AM  
Blogger Trouble said...

I think that the fat is combined with a thick air of self-satisfaction and used as fuel for all those fucking Toyota Priuses you see puttering down the street.

8:21 PM  

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