Boob-a-Palooza

Sometime in January I thought to myself, Self, we need to have a party.

My birthday parties are usually of the sorority sister reunion whiskey-elimination festival variety, populated by me and a few of my hootchie friends.

This year, Self and I decided to make it meaningful. All this nonsense about boobs and breast cancer and blah de be blah blah blah gives us a swell idea: Let's hold a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen foundation!

It started innocently enough; I formed the fundraising consultantcy business and registered with the state, forged an alliance with SGK's Passionately Pink for the Cure campaign, nationally and locally. I wrote a stunning corporate sponsorship beg letter that I'm telling you should be the motherfucking goddamn template for such things.

Then I queried a super fabulous event planning/bartending outfit that's co-owned by a local burlesque star. The name Boob-a-Palooza popped out of my head without warning and an epic party was born, twirling its tassels right out of the womb.

Soon drag performers were lured in, and roller derby girls came up with the kissing booth idea on their own. A really cool location was found and negotiations held, performers booked, and off we went.

I could regale you with the awesomeness of the night, sure, but why not just take a gander at the photographic evidence?

Feh!

My reaction to the mid-term elections is bitterness and resentment. Not because the GOP swept the House or that actual Tea Partiers were elected, mind you. I am not the least bit surprised by the outcome of these elections.

Stupid, unworthy, criminal, revolting hacks enjoying success while the talented and visionary get shafted -- that's my beef. I probably had this revelation in some form as a wee Troublet but did not seethe over this putrid injustice until entering the workforce, where it plays out every day, everywhere.

As much as I hate to give her any credit (she is clearly guilty of this offense), Kathie Lee Gifford often says in her Today Show bloviations, "You know what the problem is, Hoda-Woman? In our society we reward people for their bad behavior!"

She's right. Reality TV. Celebrity/Gossip media. Politics.

On a personal level, I've been passed-over, second choice, an also-ran for several potential jobs for which I was, no kidding, a perfect fit. Each time I got the old, "We had a difficult choice -- you are amazing! -- but we've decided to go in a different direction" corker. That's fine, you can't win all the time, right? What ruffles my feathers is that I work in a field where their first choice, the one who snatched the opportunity from my grasp, is highly visible. My most recent experiences with this served to demonstrate my point: those jerks really, really suck at their job and don't deserve it.

The affrontery is unbearable sometimes. No doubt some of the election night losers are feeling my pain right now. Really? I lost out to that bumbling shitass?

Introspection is in order, of course. A small dose of poor me. But for me, lately, it's less about what's wrong with me and what's wrong with the people making these decisions.

In my field the organizations are desperate to stay relevant, so I understand their desire to bring in fresh meat. With politics, the voters are emotional and generally wrong-headed in their decision-making. This time around, and probably in 2012, the gray beards are doing their utmost to unwittingly fuck everything up.

I worry more about the youngsters: what fresh Hell is this, what kind of bumblefuck messages are we sending out?
1. If fame and fortune is your goal, consider a sex tape or sex scandal with an already famous person.
2. If you are obnoxious enough, you will get on a TV show!
3. Education is useless to you, kid. Worry about making money, as much as fast as you can. Also, the world needs fast food workers and janitors, amiright?
4. Talent is over-rated. Align yourself with the right people and ride their coattails!
5. Load yourself up with student loan debt. You'll never get a good job that you'll be laid off from within five years without a Master's degree!
6. If car sales or insurance sales is too hard for you, consider politics! All you need is "star quality" and the ability to babble nonsense with a straight face.

Yeah, I'm bitter. I know a whole lot of other people besides myself who are fed up with complete twatwaffles sailing through life, cherry picking their successes, while we toil and roil like suckers.

The Trouble with Democrats

I am often accused, by my politcally conservative friends and relations, of being a Liberal; a poor, misguided young lady; a Socialist; and, well, much worse.

The thing is, the Republicans are easy targets. I have plenty of beef with Democrats, Liberterians, the Communist Party of America, and probably everyone else. The Republicans, paddling their horseshit canoe down the Desperation River are comic relief--when they aren't chipping away at civil rights and selling off our country, piece by piece, to the highest bidder.

The Democrats are scarcely better, enjoying just as much pork as the GOP while discovering creative new ways of failing themselves, their party, their supporters and the American people.

At least the Republicans are upfront about their sleaze. Democrats build on their constituents desire for compassionate government. The candidates will talk about their commitment to Education/Environment/Social Services right up until they become entrenched in the U.S. Congress, at which point they become all of what they once railed against. I'm looking at you, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

The emblems of our major political parties need update: I propose the image of the GOP be changed from elephant to a Boss Tweed character and the image of the DNC be changed from donkey to that of Mr. Natural.

I believe it is impossible for a candidate with uncompromising integrity and vision to be elected to any position of authority in this country. You see it in everyday life, the buffoonish, despotic, Zig Ziglar sales managers at your office -- that's who your democratic government is representing.

Both parties share one concern: winning. That ain't leadership, friends.

I don't give a damn about an individual's religous beliefs or stance on moral issues when looking for politicians worthy of support. I am not loyal to any political party. My concern is simple: show me your experience in public office and tell me specifically what your ideas are for single-handedly improving our government. The more rhetoric you blather, the smaller you become. The more you act the sideshow blowhard, the less credible you become.

Prior to every election I read, listen and research. I care who is elected to my local school board and who remains on the State Judge's bench as much as who is running for Congress or the Presidency. Too often I am forced to vote for the lesser of two evils.

Pundits favor a scenario wherein we have a Democratic President and a Republican-controlled Congress. Sounds good on paper. Others decry the result of 30 years of Republican control, the result being our current Great Recession. I agree with that assessment but can't imagine 30 years of Democrat control being much of an improvement. Democrats are just as likely to kowtow to the plutocracy as Republicans are to anyone who flashes a wad of cash their way.

I challenge you find an experienced politician in America with clean hands and a clear head. I admire President Obama more than I did President Bush because Obama has Congressional experience AND came out of the Chicago cesspool remarkably unscathed. Obama sought expert counsel (from the likes of Warren Buffet, for example) and mostly chose excellent advisors (with the notable exception of Rahm Emanuel). Obama seeks to emulate Lincoln. I'm under no illusion that Obama has clean hands -- that's impossible. But he does seem to have a clear head and I suspect most of the people whispering in his ear have more integrity than, say, Karl Rove or Dick Cheney.

Of course I may be wrong about that. However, McCain/Palin was undoubtedly the greater evil and I absolutely believe the country is better off with Obama/Biden.

The Trouble with Democrats is that they fail. But if the choice is between progressing but just missing the mark or going pellmell backwards (as Conservative Fundamentalists wish), I'll vote Democrat every time.

We need taxes and we need to spend those taxes on various government programs. We need to protect the Environment. We need to preserve our Civil Rights and expand them to include other disenfranchised Americans as our country grows and changes. We must invest in Education and help our sick, our elderly and our poor people to live decently. We owe it to our people who work so damn hard every day to empower that middle class, rather than taking their jobs, their house, their savings and retirement accounts and endangering the safety of their communities.

"Smaller government" "No Taxes"...these are nonsensical slogans. We need our government to do its job, plain and simple. We need more nerdy intellectuals and history buffs in public office, fewer demented showboaters. Look carefully at the people running for office in your neck of the woods. If your gut tells you they'll say anything to get elected and actually stand for nothing other than winning, you are right on the money, honey.

Democrats fail, that's their problem. They are too quick to compromise, selling out their base and ensnarling their party with infighting. Republicans fail, too, and usually more spectacularly, but are adept at projection and reassigning blame. Smoke and mirrors, P.T. Barnum style.

Democrats are weak, they fail constantly and they compromise themselves all the way over to the Right. But the Republicans are so ridiculous, so extreme, such hucksters, I (and a whole lot of the other American voters) have no choice but to choose the Dems' lesser evil.

Hey, GOP, get better candidates and we'll talk.

Tea Party

It pains me to see this foolishness gaining ground with Americans. No one I know will admit to being a member, but I want to just put this information out there for anyone interested in history, facts, and freedom.

"Take Back America!"

From whom and to what? As I understand it, the Tea Party would like to jump in their Hot Tub Time Machine. Good old Reaganomics suits them just fine and they don't take kindly to all this socialist progress and godless science telling them their beliefs are not historical facts.

"In God We Trust"

America is not a Christian nation, and that really boils their bunnies. Our Founding Fathers wanted it to be though, right? Actually, the first settlers were fleeing religious persecution and looking for a better life in a new country. Dirty illegal immigrants! The Revolutionary War started because Britain's rule was oppressive and exploitative. The Continental Congress was unanimous in their opposition to a state religion and made that clear in the Constitution.

How much do the evangelical christians of today compare to the righteous Quakers and Lutherans they revere? Well, most early American christians were modest and shunned capitalist ideas as un-Christian.

Speaking of Christ, I take it he was a real radical in his day. Fighting the corruption of the Sanhedrin, preaching equality and freedom for all, going ballistic on the moneychangers...That pinko commie socialist!

All the other Protestant sects must be terribly embarassed to have these fools doing things in their name.

Tea bags are also upset with their own party for not being "conservative" enough. That, my friends, is plain dumb. What they call conservative is a repellent melange of racism, classicm, theocracy, xenophobia and extreme capitalism.

Why, it's sort of like King George railing against the Colonists. Is that where they want to go with this? Their rhetoric is grade school stuff, completely nonsensical and reactionary. The problem is that their "base" is blue collars and white hairs who are mad as hell and not really sure who to blame. If you say that Muslim black guy who is turning our great nation into a socialist, islamic hellfire wants to tax us to kingdom come and also take away our guns, well, boy howdy, Mr. Beck, we are fighting mad about that, sir!

Herewith, a list of Tea Party Wants:
- Our government will consist of white conservative Christians only
- Select committees will do all of the electing, thank you
- The Bill of Rights will be erased
- Supreme Court is for conservative, gun-toting Christians only
- Education for white conservative Christian future leaders only
- No immigration by anyone, ever
- No health care for anyone but us conservative Christians
- Wealth is only for us conservative Christians
- Kiss those Civil and Women's Rights goodbye
- Deregulation for all business
- Elimination of all environmental laws and regulations

So, if you fancy a return to Medieval times -- and I'm not talking about the theme restaurant here -- by all means, support your local Tea Party wingnut. Nice work, Alaska and Delaware Republicans!

Oh, and that whole "Party of Lincoln" thing? You are so far from Lincoln that you are Whigs and American (Know-Nothings). In other words, the opposite of Lincoln. The pro-slavery, anti-Democracy folks.

It is all puppet theatre for the billionaire corporate executives behind the Tea Party who just want to consolidate all the money and power and give fuck-all about the other 99% of Americans. It is as simple as that. Other billionaire corporate executives are behind the Democrats and establishment Republicans.

While separation of church and state is important, I think it's high time for a big separation of commerce and state. Get big business out of the government, especially foreign big business! Did you know that China owns us?

What we need in this country are people with vision and courage, leaders who earn that title through their inspiring ideas and good deeds. Radicals, like Jesus of Nazareth, or Abraham Lincoln.

We need to take back this country, alright. Take it back from Big Pharm, Wall Street, Banks, Big Oil, etc., etc. Business has no business in politics. We need MORE regulation and enforcement. Finance Reform. Campaign Finance Reform. Transparency. a Ban on Lobbyists.

We need a democratically-elected, representative government. Like the one the Founding Fathers hoped for.

Prodigal Blogger Returns

Landsakes, it's been a long time!

So much has happened since the last time I posted to this blog, I think I'd better keep it haiku short:

1. My darling baby was born July 28, 2009. She is the end-all, be-all.

2. My psychiatrist and therapist together decided that I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2004. They were very apologetic.

3. Like a whole lot of other media types, I was laid off from my job and have not found a suitable replacement. This sucks donkey balls, but I manage to keep busy with housekeeping and child rearing and fomenting political unrest on Facebook.

4. People I like and respect (who do not know one another) have all pressed me to write a book about my tragically hilarious life. I'm threatening to do just that.

5. Superfly and I recently celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. We are good.

6. I've missed blogging and no longer have any reason not to do it. Hope someone out there is marginally interested to hear this!

What's Bugging You Today, Trouble?

Are you a sports fan? Do you ever go to live sporting events, or watch the game with friends at a sportsbar?

When you are in a crowded, boisterous arena or crowded, boisterous sportsbar, do you get upset when people yell, cheer or celebrate with a round of shots?

Some Long Island chicks got bounced from MSG during a Knicks game for being loud and obnoxious. The men who complained about them to security were also rewarded with a beer spilled over their heads. Then the dim-wit twats posted an OMG! and expletive-heavy blog on their experience. So what? Well, that was my first response, too.

However, it's "news" on sports blogs and (predicatably)receiving disgusting comments, focused on the women being "stupid" "ugly", etc. and inferring overall that women aren't allowed to be idiot sports fans.

Have I ever been an obnoxious, drunken fan? Of course, who hasn't--at one time in their life or just last week? Anyone going to Madison Square Garden when the Knicks are playing the Lakers (and getting massacred by same)can't reasonably expect a quiet evening of basketball watching and golf claps. Anyone who goes to a football stadium and gets annoyed by the face-painted fools should really consider either a skybox or watching from home. Those jackasses have an equal right to enjoy the game as you do, wimpy.

Not that I defend these girls, they are really stupid. But the sexism is even stupider. Change it to three bigmouth Guidos from Staten Island and it ain't worth a mention anywhere.

Unless the blowhard in question is directly addressing you, STFU. If you do take it upon yourself to try to teach them your version of stadium manners in the middle of a playoff game, you deserve a beer over your head. Mind your own damn business!

Save your shushing for the symphony, morons. Even if you could pass some prissy laws of conduct and get yourself a Pussy Section at a sports venue that is quiet and respectful of your personal space and allows you to enjoy the game at a level of excitement that suits your Easy-Listening style, I will personally find you and pour a beer over your head.

So there.

Hilarious, Smelly Exercise

When I bought the Prenatal Yoga DVD at Target I had high hopes of getting limber and strong during my pregnancy and maybe getting a jump on losing the weight after hatching my egg in August. Sure, I could take classes with other preggy women. My excuses for not doing so include the expense involved and my propensity for being overly competitive and sometimes hostile in group exercise classes. A $17 disc I can follow at home seemed an ideal solution. Besides, it starred Shiva Rea, who I think is the wife of sexy yoga guy Rodney Yee.

She's tall, thin, blonde and incredibly fit. Shiva also has a soothing, ethereal voice and a demeanor so peaceful and reassuring that it becomes impossible to resent her in any way. I will probably find a way.

I no longer have a yoga mat, the expensive one was pooped on by a dog that wasn't supposed to even be in my house, much less pooping on my yoga mat. The other was put to use during a snow storm by my darling husband, who found it a perfect thing to put under the tires for added traction. Ahem.

Neither do I have a yoga brick, a yoga strap or a yoga blanket. Instead I rely on my decent balance and flexibility, left over from a lifetime of dance and Pilates and Yoga and friggin' Jazzercise. I was overweight before I got pregnant, but I am still pretty bendy.

A few things I failed to consider. During your pregnancy you will certainly notice that your sense of smell is intensified, to the point you can smell donuts from a mile away. Or, every smelly thing embedded in your carpet when you are in Downward Dog and, especially, Child's pose. Every morsel of popcorn dropped on the floor and missed by the vacuum in the last three months shifted the focus of my vinyasa breathing and nearly made me hurl.

About the balance and grace of which I boast? The funny thing about being in the Second Trimester of pregnancy is your burgeoning bump, which on me sits directly in front of my hips and solidly smooshes my internal organs. Lean the wrong way in any direction and the bump slides, crushing my liver, kidney, stomach or bladder's will to live. Also, smooth and even breathing--a hallmark of yoga practice--is more like gulping, heaving, sighing and panting.

Here's a picture: Me in my living room, attempting a Table position. Besides the terrible noises issuing from my nose and mouth, the cat trying to capture the cute ribbon tie on my yoga pants, and my beet-red face; I am wobbling on the smelly carpet on all fours, one shaky arm pointed forward and the opposite side leg held up in back. The cat is under my belly, swatting at my pants. My belly and supersized boobs are trying to make a break for the floor, I am sweating too much and the phone is ringing.

Shiva Rea is reminding me to "focus on the now...be in the present" and I'm finding reason to hate her. The cat stabs one perfectly formed fish hook of a claw in my fleshy, exposed belly and, after I peeled myself off the ceiling, I stand up without inhaling first and hurl the remote control at the TV.

Shiva Rea reminds me that the growing life inside me appreciates my attention to my body's needs for stretching and strength. I'm so glad.

No doubt the growing life inside me also appreciates the Crunch Berries I had for breakfast and my bizarre craving for Coca-Cola.

It's all good, right? I'm taking care of myself, eating (mostly) right (see aforementioned Crunch Berries and Coca Cola) and getting sunshine, lots of water and gentle exercise.

Perhaps I'll give Shiva Rea another chance. I doubt the second try could be worse.

Why is Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

Yesterday on the TV show "The View", which I rarely watch and only was tuned into because I neglected to turn the channel from the night before and was otherwise occupied with laundry, I listened to the rantings of the yentas approvingly. Their outrage on this day was focused,appropriately enough,on Rush Limbaugh and comments the porcine radio host made about President Obama.

Then a little blonde harpie chirped in with the most nonsensical support for Limbaugh I've ever heard. I stopped folding underwear and took a closer look. This woman's sentences got shriller by the word, I noticed, and her empty little head looked close to imploding when her co-hosts interrupted. She looked for all the world like a spitting mad, spoiled two-year old child who isn't getting her way.

Barbara Walters is a distinguished and respected journalist. Whoppi Goldberg is a famous comedienne and actress. Joy Behar is an author and comedian. Sherri Shepard is an actress and comedian. Elizabeth Hasselbeck was an amateur contestant on a reality TV show? She's married to a professional football player? Why is she on this show?

I'll tell you why. Like her hero, Sarah Palin, Elizabeth Hasselbeck represents everything wrong in America that we are trying to change. Both women are reasonably attractive, proudly anti-intellectual, narcissistic fools who hide their lack of education, talent, relevant professional experience, and goodwill behind the labels "Christianity", "Real America", and "Values". In trying to emulate the men they admire, such as Limbaugh or any GOP bullshitter, by spouting racist, ignorant nonsense for attention and money, Hasselbeck and Palin got their wish.

They are frauds. Let us continue to expose, shame and remove all frauds from positions of authority and power. Electing Obama was an excellent start. No more Bush Administration fraud to destroy our country from within. Exposing and prosecuting Rod Blagodovich was a smart move for the State of Illinois and shaming the Wall Street criminals is better late than never, I suppose. California, you have a long way to go: Proposition 8 is shameful and fraudulent leglislation.

Values are indeed due for a comeback. Values such as humility and charity, specificially. Enough with providing fame and fortune to irresponsible and attention-seeking frauds: no more reality TV shows that promote reprehensible human beings, whether "surviving" for millions or strutting sluts or ludicrous "dating" shows. By all means keep showing real-life, healthy families and talent shows and documentaries of real places and real people who succeed in life by their hard work, talent, and intelligence.

Faith is important, but it's more important to us as Americans that one faith does not claim itself the "only, true, right" faith. Not everyone in America--or indeed, the World--who worships and lives their life according to God's will is Christian and it would be wise for Christians to recognize and remember this. Our Constitution clearly provides us the freedom to practice our religion as individuals and assures any one religion from becoming mandate.

Keep your religious beliefs to yourself. Never proselytize. Do not demand any state or federal entity acquiesce to your religious practices. Enjoy your faith in the privacy of your home and within the religious community to which you belong.

Fraud abounds. Stop allowing and encouraging it, please.