Well, Hello!

My, my, it's been awhile, hasn't it? My decision to privatize this blog was mostly due to really ignorant emails I received from people clearly not fans of my blatherings. That and the potential for anyone, anywhere to access this blog (and therefore delve into the innerworkings of my mind and other personal details)and link to it and mock me and so on. It is supremely annoying.

Hopefully those nutters have moved on to shinier objects and will leave us, you and me, alone.

So, I'm back, hey!

What's new:

Month four of my fifth pregnancy, the first since I started treatment for bipolar disorder. I'm completely off my psych meds (which is AWESOME) and under the care of my psychiatrist, my OB/GYN, and my internist who all have their eyes peeled for problems. Problems? What problems? The pregnancy is going very well and I feel incredible now that I'm not constantly dealing with Lithium side effects. As tempting as it is to think I can continue this free ride, I know it is neither healthy nor realistic.

Especially since I'm having insomnia. Insomnia is bad for anybody when it lasts more than a few days but for bipolar people it is exceptionally likely to trigger either depression or hypomania (mania without psychosis). It's been three weeks now of 3-4 hours of sleep per night (I find napping impossible) and I'm worried. OB/GYN says insomnia is typical at this stage of pregnancy but PsyDoc is concerned and is ready to call in a prescription at a moment's notice.

I am lucky to have family, friends and doctors who are supportive and caring. Too many bipolars have to deal with ignorance and hostility in addition to their already-heavy load of suffering. The few times I've encountered that bullshit I've put a quick end to that relationship--including dumping my family doc of 15 years because she kept insisting my physical problems (hives, back pain, IBS) were obviously (magically) creations of my psychological disorder and I should stop wasting her time:

Saw an endocrinologist for the chronic hives problem. He diagnosed Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and prescribed a higher dose of my thyroid meds and Sudafed as needed. Problem solved!

Saw a chiropractor for my ongoing back pain problems, for which I'd already been unsuccessfully treated with physical therapy and pain drugs, and in one adjustment straightened out my twisted pelvis. Problem Solved!

Saw several gastroenterologists for the IBS issues and had a colonoscopy. Clear, clean, healthy. Went off Lithium and IBS issues were instantly gone. Problem Solved!

...yes, I clearly made up those symptoms to irritate you, Dr. Assclown. Oh, and thanks SO much for pulling the nurse aside when I was in the hospital recently for a a medical emergency and telling her I was a "psych" patient. The nurse was incredulous and told me right away what you said, stupid.

Have I made my point clear? Yes, I think so. No one should ever put up with bad treatment from medical professionals. Not "psych" patients, not anyone.

And anyway, I'm happy you're reading and hoping those other jerks aren't.

A Baby Story

Superfly hubby and I are about to embark on an experience unlike anything either of us have lived.

Well, I've been pregnant before but never while on (much needed) medication.

So, with the help of my psychiatrist (Dr. G), my OB/GYN (Dr. R.), and a dizzying array of blood tests and doctor appointments, we are going to try to have a baby.

Surely there are moms out there who have it tougher, say, moms with cancer or moms with physical impairments. I will do whatever my doctors tell me, try not to vex my sweet husband, and leave it up to Mother Nature whether or not I get to have a fifth beautiful, healthy child.

People I actually care about voice their concern for my age and mental health, or wondering why I would want to bring yet another Trouble baby into the world. Because I do care about these people, I don't tell them to go fuck themselves.

The Stakes: I must be off Lithium for the first trimester, no exceptions. I am 40 years old and in good physical condition. No one knows what to expect when I'm expecting, as an unmedicated Bipolar person (for a few months, anyway). Risks aplenty, for everyone involved.

The Yield: A beautiful, healthy child. A chronicle of a pregnancy many people around us think is unwise and dangerous for me, that I hope will be helpful to other bipolar moms.

Not a Baby Story you'll see on TLC, for sure!