Would-be Heroes

Extreme Heiress Makeover!









Paris Hilton is a rich kid who craves attention. She isn't bright or charming and her talents are limited to self-promoting activities. She tried to sing, to act, to write and to become a business woman. None of these activities have worked out as well for her as just being Paris Hilton.

Some say she's beautiful, but it is the kind of beauty a lot of money can buy: blond hair extensions, colored eye contacts, professional (I'd say, professional drag queen) quality make-up, fake tan, and the best clothing in the world, custom-fitted to her hatrack frame. Take away all of these things and she is the homely, awkward girl of her posh youth.

She's doing the best she can with what she's been given. She is really too dumb to be living on her own, as demonstrated when she gets in hot water any time her publicist Elliot Mintz isn't babysitting. Like any bratty high schooler, Paris often asserts that her critics are "jealous". To her "legions of fans", Paris Hilton is a hero.

The Hiltons are an enormously wealthy and powerful family and Mama Hilton, perhaps in an effort to live her own missed shot at stardom vicariously, insists Paris gets whatever she wants. What's so bad about that? Most mothers want their children to be happy, right?

Could be, but in this case the parent believes she and her whole family (and possibly her whole economic class) have and deserve special privileges and rights not afforded to everyone. Why? Because they are rich and therefore better. So if Mom and Pop Hilton need to put the squeeze on politicians and authorities in order to spring their dimwit daughter from the pokey, you bet your sweet ass they'll do it. If she succeeds in circumventing the law for her little girl, she'll be a heroine to her family and her class.

Judge Michael T. Sauer is not a star-fucker, unlike so many other officials in Los Angeles. When Paris Hilton was late for court, she immediately got on the judge's bad side. Sure, he clearly has an axe to grind with celebrity justice, but this behavior will irritate any Judge, heiress plaintiff or homeless plaintiff.

Paris Hilton was not arrested for "traffic violations". She got popped for DUI and driving with a suspended license. Either offense will net anyone some jailtime, and taken together demonstrates a pattern of irresponsible driving. Anyone else with her list of driving problems would likely be relieved of their driving privileges for several years, sent to defensive driving classes and DUI classes, and probably spend 30-45 days in jail, if not more.

Spending 23 days in a "celebrity wing" of a jail is entirely appropriate a sentence for Miss Hilton. Her family's effort to get her out on some medical excuse is absurd and an affront. If prisoners doing hard time can get specialized brain cancer treatment, Miss Hilton can be treated for her Herpes and her depression while in jail.

That's fair and just. Judge Sauer aims to put her right back in jail to serve out her sentence and I hope he prevails. Do I think he's trying to make a name for himself by being a hero for justice? Shit, yes. So?

Under the pressure he's facing from all sides, I'm impressed that the Judge hasn't knuckled under and sprung the rich jailbird to avoid backlash or profit from bribery. Whatever his motivation, he's upholding the law and serving up justice.

Serve your time, Paris.

Wall-Eyed Trannie Jailbird

Fingers crossed!

From MSNBC, this nugget:

She blames her agent/PR/doormat Elliot Mintz for her moving violations. Hilariously, she believes she's constantly pulled-over so that officers can hit on her. She thinks the punishment for her crimes is "cruel" and "unwarranted". Her mother thinks the prosecutor is "pathetic". Her fans (!!!) are knee-deep in "Free Paris" mania. Her lawyer seeks to alleviate her from "unfair" punishment. They whole thing stinks.

Winona Ryder deserved the same treatment from the justice system as any other shoplifter, but was merely slapped on the wrist. Martha Stewart got off easy on insider trading charges, unlike other rich thieves. Over and over again, celebrities flaunt laws that ruin everyday people's lives.

Clearly, Miss Hilton was raised to be the next Leona Helmsley, firmly believing that laws are for "little people". Consider what Paris Hilton has brought to the world, why her name is known: underage sex tape, attending parties and hitting the world's clubs, a loathsome tv show, a loathsome book, loathsome perfume, an embarassing CD, an endless sea of paparazzi photos of herself, abhorrent pet ownership, her relationships and her STDs.

Here's the too blonde, too tan, too fugly and too stupid heiress' chance to redeem herself: Do the time, find religion (or,like, whatever) and start a new life for yourself by committing all of your energy to a worthy cause. Join RED, or the fight against global warming, or take on an illness, birth defect or disease. As you approach 30, dear, prancing around parties as a spoiled tranny stripper will get you only so far.

...and that's the end of WOT P. Hilton coverage.