Amy Winehouse

Class act!

At first listen I immediately lumped Miss Winehouse in with Regina Spektor (sweet baby voice), Lily Allen (petulant baby voice), and Corinne Bailey Rae (annoying baby voice). Her voice is, I feel, similarly affected and I dubbed her (rock 'n roll baby voice).

There was another rash of baby-voice singers back in the early '90s, remember? The Sundays, Shellyan Orphan, Veruca Salt, Bjork, etc. Even though I know they are talented singers and such, something about their tones makes me want to peel the skin from my skull and stuff it into my ears.

Then came the constant reports of Winehouse's stupid public drunkenness and behavior that she ought be ashamed of, but probably writes off as "punk rock" or "rock 'n roll, baby". She wrote a song — much beloved by addicts — which chronicles her management company's attempts to cajole her into "Rehab" and her mentally-keen refusals to commit to same. Hi, Amy? Ever heard of Courtney Love? Excellent career path choice.

Then I happen upon an interview Amy Winehouse gave with someone in the British press. Turns out she's an outspoken, self-described, unmedicated bipolar person. That sure explains a lot! Not only does Bipolar Disorder affect your judgment to a dangerous degree, it predisposes you to addiction. Amy seems confident she can overcome the chemical imbalance in her brain with booze, drugs, money and just "doing my thing, having fun".

Poor kid, she's only 23 and on the fast-track to some really bad news. Now, when I see Amy Winehouse on TV, I'll focus less on her hideous lip piercing or lamentable ink, and more on feeling bad for her. Here's hoping someone gets through to her before its too late.

Because she could be great, really unbelievable.

The Secret

Robin Byrne promises (and Oprah and her minions are buying) "a new era of humankind". The premise of her book/movie/movement is the law of attraction: put into the universe your positive mantra, thoughts and fervent beliefs and you will be rewarded with the answering of your dreams.

Sounds fantastic, and familiar. Every world religion has a version of this idea, i.e. the Golden Rule, and popular new age theory is rife with "the universe will reward you for doing good" mentality. Actual scientists who study quantum physics and human behavior have a word for this: psuedoscience.

Can we change our lives just by improving our outlook on life? I don't know, but I do believe that losing negative thinking and habits make you feel better.

It's just hard. Knee-jerk cynicism is harder to give up than heroin (I imagine). So many people spew sarcasm with every breath, thinking it's a sign of intelligence and cool,not knowing it's actually more revealing of their fear of inadequacy.

What do I know? See, you're being negative.

I think your mantra for today ought to be, "I only wish Trouble well and have positive thoughts about her."

I'll do the same for you.

You know, I can't help thinking that if I produced a hokey self-empowerment DVD and marketed it to the right people, making millions in the process, I would sure feel positive about life.

Oy, this is hard.

Let Them Eat Cupcakes

Woe is me, I've been EXECUTED by Gawker. I was invited to suck someone's weenie at Gawker. Unfortunately, I'm on a strict no-toxic-weenies diet these days. Besides, when would it ever be available for sucking --It's always shoved up a repellent someone's (Maer Roshan, Julia Allison, Dave Z.'s, etc.) ass.

Anyway, it's just been one of those days.

My recently-former employer arrogantly and unapologetically stealing my stories, this commenter execution bummer, and having to motherfucking pack every damn piece of shit thing in this apartment.

Here's hoping a night of Waikiki Wally's will see an improvement in my mood.

SUMBITCH!

Disgust

This has been brewing for a long time, people. Now reaching intolerable levels of pervasiveness, the celebration of disgusting people must end. Now.

What does the promotion and celebrity of vile, indiscreet and flat-out stupid people tell the next generation about the value of self-respect and dignity? The strongest message going seems to be, "Get Rich and Famous However You Can, Kid!" or "If You're Whoring, You Bettah Be Gettin' Paid, Yo!"

Whole industries have suffered from the crass behavior of a few, yet there is no backlash, no shunning, just incessant and banal "news" of these people's every wet fart.

My daughters (mercifully) don't count Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, or Britney Spears among their heroes. One is really into history and the other is a purebred punk. He's still pretty young, but my son thinks Samurai Jack is someone he'd emulate before considering any guy in Hollywood or the music biz. For all this I am eternally grateful.

My hope is that they (and all of us, really) know that a majority of people who "make it" in this world are repellent, self-obsessed morons. By "making it" I of course mean magazine covers, TV entertainment show profiles, high-ranking search engine status, fan clubs, multi-millions (whether spent on high-end real estate or hoovered up nostrils), and paparazzi staking out your house, training long-range lenses on your baby's nursery.

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven consecutive times! He not only beat cancer, he raised more than $10 million through his Livestrong Foundation to help others. Do I care who he dates, or whether or not he's friends with stupid Matthew McConaughey? No, I do not. Yet that's the focus of attention on Lance Armstrong.

New York media is, naturally, the epicenter of this kind of pugnacity. If you want to be famous in NYC, kids, make the right friends. Specifically, make friends with gossip columnists. That will keep you from the glaring public judgment of the Post and the Daily News and the sarcastic high-school bitchery of gossip blogs. Otherwise you will be endlessly ridiculed, your every misstep blasted across the internet and onto Page Six.

As you can imagine, I despise most NYC celebrities. The socialites, the trust fund jerkoffs, the fashion hos, the i-bankers, the "artists", the "writers", and the people who mine their however-long of fame for being talentless and boring, but having been in the right place at the right time with the right people. The list of these people is endless and I'll be damned if I'll give them any more attention, but you can probably throw a dead cat from where you are and hit one of them.

Top 10 Most Disgusting Celebrities:

10. Donald Trump

As much as he thinks he's a scion of wealth and big business, he's still a slimy old slumlord who doesn't know he's a joke.

9. Any Reality TV "star"

Please accept that you are used to make others rich

8. Kate Moss/Pete Doherty (tie)

Heroin never was chic; nor are you

7. Rejected "American Idol" contestants

No means no! Get off Myspace and get some singing lessons.

6. Jessica Simpson/Vanessa Minillo (tie)

No-talent ass-clowns of the highest ZOOM! smile order

5. "the Girls Next Door"

That girls look up to these useless twats is massively depressing

4. Anyone featured on an MTV show

UGH! If you really were famous and talented, you wouldn't have been on MTV, stupid!

3. Britney Spears

It's because she's "country," she says, so perhaps an inner-city intervention is in order. I hope she pulls through, she actually is talented.

2. Lindsay Lohan

What a sad waste of pretty, young actress. Want to know where your hard-livin' and shitty attitude will get you, Linz? Allow me to introduce you to Janice Dickinson.

1. Paris Hilton

A more worthless human being I cannot imagine. Not just an ugly, stupid heiress with no concept of dignity, this tranny-looking girl is arrogantly, unapologetically, vile. She has no talent whatsoever, but she has money. Therefore she gets away with whatever idiotic notions nudge her three brain cells into action: sex tapes, STDs, and a how-to book on being a completely useless person are her legacy. Let's all join hands and pray she never procreates.


Did I miss anyone? Tell me who you think should be jettisoned from public consciousness?

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm sitting at home, amid half-packed boxes and piles of paper, worrying about developing cankles.

One foot on the banana peel that acts as catalyst for sliding down the slippery slope towards 40, I actually feel pretty young and vital. Hector, the IT guy at my work, refuses to believe I am older than him (he's 25). I have a pretty swanky life, full of great friends, awesomely insane family and the superfly-ingest boyfriend, ever. It's a good life, and I'm just getting wound up.

So Happy Birthday to Me — and Star Jones, Allyson Hannigan, the late Steve McQueen, and the late-and-soon-to-be-exhumed Harry Houdini.

I think tonight we break open the Veuve...

The Arrogance of Youth

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." (Geo. Bernard Shaw)

Ours is a youth-centered society and this is a big problem. Marketing to people who are, with few exceptions, irresponsible, self-centered and fickle, while alienating the people with the money seems pretty dumb to me.

The shows you watch on TV, the magazines you read, the websites you frequent all have as their goal capturing the "youth market": Slang! Name-dropping! Ripping music right out of your Ipod and using it to sell cars! If kids flock to whatever-it-is they're selling, all the AEs cream themselves.

If I see more than one person 18-30 on a TV show, in a magazine, or posting on a website (with their best stripper pic, and glitter fonts), I beat feet the Hell out before the "OMG!" screeches begin in earnest. Who needs it?

Allow me to describe the youth market:

Young, thin, tan girls with long, flat-ironed hair and too much makeup, adding precious little to whatever discussion/action/drama is going on, seeing that they are preoccupied with their hangover, their hair,their spray-tan appointments and their short-sighted efforts to becoming a "Star".

Young, skinny, floppy-haired boys dressed like homeless vets who spend all their time listening to music, smoking weed, playing video games, and trying to score with chicks.

Note: The minority of hard-working, serious, responsible, down-to-Earth kids are not reflected here because they typically are not the subject of viral marketing campaigns and such.

America's youth don't have the first clue about what is cool, it must be spoon-fed to them. Unless they are trustbabies, they don't have any money. None have any power. So why the obsession and worship of superficial and stupid people?

Beats me. I don't think any of the idiots I keep hearing are "hot" have any redeeming virtues. Am I alone in my disgust with this?

And They are all Batshit Bitches!

* There are 217,477 people in the U.S. with the first name Michele.
* Statistically the 294th most popular first name. (tied with 3 other first names)
* Although it is a version of the male name Michael, more than 99.9 percent of people with the first name Michele are female.

Proof of bat-shittedness:

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, who is a gay-bashing, Bush-humping, freaky fostermother and right-wing Christian SS goon. Why, there is a whole blog devoted to bashing her! And Wikipedia has some things to say about her, too. She kinda makes the Coulternut look a little more reasonable!

This post is inspired by Her Slothfulness, who posted about her belief that every girl named Stacy/Stacey/Stacie was a skank ho bitch.

It is my contention that all Michele/Michelle ladies are likewise deadly she-beasts. I would give you irrefutable proof, in the form of actual succubi I know in real life named Michele, but that would upset Superfly. Just take my word for it, ok?

And if you are named thusly and feel offended, take it out on your parents.

Top 10 Reasons I Hate NYC

"Stand Clear of the Closing Door. STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOOR!"


As the final days of our New York City residence wind down, Superfly and I are making the rounds of farewell parties, visiting our favorite places for a last (real) bagel, slice, etc., and trying hard not to get too morose about all the people, places and things we will surely miss when we move to Denver.

One surefire way to combat regret and sadness is to focus on the things we absolutely, positively will not miss about living in New York City:

• The constant crush of people wherever you go, whatever you do
• Eternally waiting on line
• Predatory, hectoring panhandlers
• The Meatpacking District
• The New York Post
• The BQE and the LIE
• Endemic rudeness
• Bedbugs, Roaches, Carpet Beetles, and Rats
• Preposterous real estate prices
• The N train. Everyone who rides the N train, their mothers, their pets, their children’s children. A motherfucking pox on all your damn heads.

There, that’s better

Kosher Corned Beef and Cabbage

As I have pointed out from time-to-time, my dad is Irish and was Catholic. My mom's the Jewish one. I look more like my dad. My last name is Irish. I have curly red hair, I love Guinness like mother's milk and am overly fond of brawling.

I never thought there were others like me. I was wrong!

Oy! They're always after me glicken shticklek!

Car Sales and the Mentally Ill

TROY, Mich. (AP) She went in for an oil change, but came out with a brand-new car.

Now a Michigan woman is suing the auto dealer, saying it took advantage of her bipolar disorder to sell her the $32,000 vehicle.

Amy Berner tells the Detroit News she suffers from "impulsivity and difficulty in decision-making," and the dealer used that to get her to sign a $444 per month lease for a Mazda CX-9.

Berner says she had gone to the dealer for an oil change for her car, which she had bought just six months earlier.

Berner's husband says the dealer agreed to take the car back if it got a doctor's letter detailing Berner's condition. He says the letter was sent, but the dealer delivered the CX-9 anyway, and left the keys in the mailbox.

Suburban Imports of Troy says it can't comment on the suit because it hasn't received any legal papers yet.

Sheesh!

The Superfly/Trouble Farewell East Coast U.S. Tour is already underway, with appearances in the D.C. area and Amishville well-attended and terrifically fun, if a bit sad. All those promises to come out and visit us in Denver better be real, people!

Next stop: Manhattan.

A brunch is in the works for this coming Sunday, March 18. Since many attendees will be coming from L.I., S.I. and Jersey, we will likely hold it in Brooklyn. Interested? Write me at worldoftrouble@fastmail.us and I'll immediately provide the necessary details.

Plans are in place for a fabulous night of friends, booze and karaoke in Manhattan on Tuesday, March 20. Interested? Write me: worldoftrouble@fastmail.us and I'll immediately provide the necessary details.

If you can't make either and wish to make some plans to get together with either or both of us before we depart westward on March 31, write me: worldoftrouble@fastmail.us.

Also, anyone willing to help us move crap into a truck on March 31 will be rewarded handsomely: Write me: worldoftrouble@fastmail.us, please.

All Aboard!

Go here:

Then click on "Advice Vixens"

Then register as a user

Then start asking questions and giving advice to other people. You can do so anonymously.

It's good for you, it's good for me. I am a Boss Hoss on that site and I need you to balance out the 20-year-old sluts trying to pass themselves off as wise.

Oh, and a date/place/time for our NYC Farewell Party is coming soon!

Happy Purim!

Just picture a tri-cornered hat!


Who are the modern Esther/Ishtar/Hadassah and Mordechai who will bring down the modern Haman, Iran President Mahmoud Amadinejad?

Think I'm crazy?

Amadinejad is only the latest incarnation of the ancient, evil tribe of Agagites. Even other Arab and Persian tribes hated the blood-thirsty Agagites, as do some Christians who take their Bible literally and are readying themselves for Armageddon.

How about:

Esther=American Jewry
Ahashverus=the American President
Haman=Militant Islam

Me, Superfly and his family all went to a Purim spiel at a Conservative shul on Long Island. Besides the usual little girls dressed as Vashti and Esther and little boys in their Halloween costumes, there was a musical re-telling of the Megillah featuring reworked Beatles songs and a Rabbi (fetchingly outfitted in tie-dye and khakis) who emphasized in his sermon that Vashti was an early feminist, demonstrated by her refusal to give in to the demands of her husband, the King, that she "humiliate" herself in front of his party guests. It was mighty interesting and I got plenty of apricot hamentaschen, my favorite.

Did you watch "The Lost Tomb of Jesus"? Yeah, Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married and probably had a kid. Whoop-a-doop. Tell me something I didn't know, Poindexter.

But I appreciate what they are doing and encourage them to keep up the good work. Hard-core Christians won't be the least disturbed, they call it fiction and question the methodology and science and blah, blah. When people don't wish to be dissuaded from their dogma, they will make up all kinds of stuff to prove the truth wrong. Which is a sentence you'll probably read from chuckling Christian "experts" soon to play down the startling facts revealed in this overly-dramatic TV program. DaVinci code, anyone?

Whatever. I love apricot hamentashen.